We shouldn't have made so many excuses not to. We should have gotten off your carpet and into something new.
I still have my eyes but they just can't see. My heart may be broken but it still beats. My mind won't think but I still have thoughts. I still have my voice but my mouth won't talk. My lungs are collapsed but they still breathe. I'd fake the next smile but I have no teeth.
I was sitting outside, because Drew forgot about me again. I've been so stressed and worried lately. I haven't spoken to Sarah much in two weeks. I have this horrible burn on my arm from work. I still have no money and I've been working extra hard and long. I have grown seperate from nearly everyone close to me. I have been forgotten by so many and just ignored. I never eat anymore, hardly ever, so my stomach always hurts.
It was raining today. While I was sitting underneathe the awning, waiting for someone that wasn't coming, a little old woman passed by me with her umbrella held low over her hunched back.
"Rain rain, go away.", she said.
"oh, I wish it would.", I replied, thinking about how horrible things have been lately and how bad I wanted to tell that lady she had no idea how much that got to me.
The past two nights and days have consisted of this..
Also, the song "your hand in mine" by explosions in the sky.
I think the Reason I keep listening to it is because it helps me invision the epic moment of when her and I will touch each other again. Undress again. Exchange sweat again. The slow motion of it all and how detailed everything will be.
Crossing your arms and falling back at the speed of light into oblivion. Galaxies and stars all racing past in the time it takes her hair to clear from her face. It's the feeling CGI movies try to depict and that songs try to explain.
The clouds are scattered today. This room is reilluminated every five seconds after each cloud passes by the Sun's teeth. Explosions of light enter the room as if bombs were detonating outside of the window.
Not those of war, but those of celebration.
It's the feeling you get when you omnipotently know something is Immortal.
The Boondock Saints was a fucking amazing movie. This whole "missing the fuck out of Sarah" thing isn't working for me too well. I start work tomorrow ??????? I think I'll actually be on time, this time.
Okay, now let's go watch this Jeffery Dahmer movie, eeee.
Did I mention I miss the fuck out of Sarah? mmmmmmm
I am engaged to the most wonderful girl I'll ever know in my life.
It's amazing how, this time, I know it's permanent. Not like with birds or captains. There's absolutely NO doubt in my mind at all for the first time ever. I'm so secure and sure about this. My mind has even conditioned itself to never ever think in terms or consider a time when we are seperate.
We used to talk on the phone and just dream about such things. We used to wish and wish there was a way we could work. We used to think this was impossible.
we did it.
No matter what happens. No matter where I go.
I will always love this girl. I will always rather be with this girl. I will always be with this girl. I will forever persue the dreams that come with her. I will not lose sight. I will not lose focus. I will not buckle. I will not tire. I will not foreget. I will not take for granted.
Her name is the word for Happiness and God on my lips.
Every day for the past year, she has grown on me. She continues to every day, more and more so.
Not like with birds or captians, where I would bore or forget.
I always look forward to her. I always have. I always will.
After kissing her.."Welcome to the rest of forever", she'd say to me.
I've never felt so comfortable and content in my life. I have even felt myself change in so many ways. I can't believe I got this lucky. I can't believe my life with her. I will spend the rest of it with her.
Leaving the only place I ever felt comfortable in Playing a small amount of shows Movie Theaters Moved to a different city Drinking Smoking/cigs Uppers Downers Parties Dirty Hair Apartment complexes Lies on top of Lies Shows Gained a car Nearly died Nearly died again Blown engine Mass Confusion A Yellow House Total Indifference Screaming and Yelling Laughing Apartment D Sleeping on floors, couches, in cars Self loathing Guilt Marlboro Reds Coffee Waffle House Arrested Jail August 5th The Land Before Time Tree Star New hope Struggle A package in the mail Slave Labor Isolation Airports Chicago Texas Arizona Starvation Literature Wrote 35mm Photographs Polaroids Good Music Stitches Bro Shit Complete change Clarity Determination A promise made Truely made love No Money Proposal Insomnia Fights Realizations Engagement
and most importantly
Sarah Taryn my baby girl.
I lived the past year like a 1933 stock holder. In that past year, I lived some sort of lifetime. 2007, be good to me.
I, seriously, have never felt so lonely. So sick and seperate. All I've come to know is waiting and longing. Anticipation and patience.
I haven't felt comfortable in my skin or being underneathe anyone elses in so long.
There is always this distance or this circumstance that keeps them from me. So I wait. I pass the days with my eyes glued to an LCD monitor wired to a central processing unit. I pass the nights, eyes closed, talking into cellular telephones.
Touch.
Something that I've become quite the stranger to.
I don't even know how to act when I wake up beside of someone anymore. I don't remember to reach for their hand in the theatre. I don't even think to walk a little slower. I don't think to stare a little longer. I don't think to kiss a little slower, to hold a little tighter. I don't remember how to do this.
I'm nearly convinced I never knew how to. Oh, but it made so much sense in my head. Those perfect moments and what to say and how to say it. I was always good with words? Wasn't I?
Oh, but it made so much sense in my head. And there, it always seems to stay, never to be applied accordingly. I'm such an asshole all the time.
How flawed have these two hands become? How fucked up are my actions to this day? How much more confused am I going to become? My word holds as much meaning these days as talking in ones sleep.
Oh, but I mean well. I try to manage. I constantly feel the apocalypse in the pit of my stomach. Always the feeling of something ending or about to.
As sure as all war will end, I will know what to do.
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