polaroid film

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 23:15:00 GMT

And so this one does end in all.
New letters scribbled on the backs of my palms.

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 02:48:10 GMT

This is why I've always called and will always call her my Tree Star.

No one can take this from us.

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 17:45:45 GMT

We shouldn't have made so many excuses not to.
We should have gotten off your carpet and into something new.

I still have my eyes but they just can't see.
My heart may be broken but it still beats.
My mind won't think but I still have thoughts.
I still have my voice but my mouth won't talk.
My lungs are collapsed but they still breathe.
I'd fake the next smile but I have no teeth.

Typical? Of course.

Today at work

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 00:41:43 GMT

I was sitting outside, because Drew forgot about me again.
I've been so stressed and worried lately.
I haven't spoken to Sarah much in two weeks.
I have this horrible burn on my arm from work.
I still have no money and I've been working extra hard and long.
I have grown seperate from nearly everyone close to me.
I have been forgotten by so many and just ignored.
I never eat anymore, hardly ever, so my stomach always hurts.

It was raining today.
While I was sitting underneathe the awning, waiting for someone that wasn't coming,
a little old woman passed by me with her umbrella held low over her hunched back.

"Rain rain, go away.", she said.

"oh, I wish it would.", I replied, thinking about how horrible things have been lately and how bad I wanted to tell that lady she had no idea how much that got to me.

It's always raining.

I Swore an Oath today.

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 09:46:39 GMT

My heart and soul are finally at rest.

I finally know my from now on.

She is all that is left in front of me, nothing else.

Everything behind, dosen't matter to me at all.

I love you Sarah.

To: Crista, Lindsey, Savy, Taylor, and Ebie

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 21:38:15 GMT

"Thou shall fear no evil of this world or any other for I shall deny safe passage to any such evil beyond thy own wings unto thee, my children."

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 18:38:39 GMT

The past two nights and days have consisted of this..

Also, the song "your hand in mine" by explosions in the sky.

I think the Reason I keep listening to it is because it helps me invision the epic moment of when her and I will touch each other again. Undress again. Exchange sweat again. The slow motion of it all and how detailed everything will be.

Crossing your arms and falling back at the speed of light into oblivion.
Galaxies and stars all racing past in the time it takes her hair to clear from her face.
It's the feeling CGI movies try to depict and that songs try to explain.

The clouds are scattered today.
This room is reilluminated every five seconds after each cloud passes by the Sun's teeth.
Explosions of light enter the room as if bombs were detonating outside of the window.

Not those of war, but those of celebration.

It's the feeling you get when you omnipotently know something is Immortal.

I feel so alive today.

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 23:28:03 GMT

The Boondock Saints was a fucking amazing movie.
This whole "missing the fuck out of Sarah" thing isn't working for me too well.
I start work tomorrow ???????
I think I'll actually be on time, this time.

Okay, now let's go watch this Jeffery Dahmer movie, eeee.

Did I mention I miss the fuck out of Sarah?
mmmmmmm

Oh, Crista, I love you :)

This is Real.

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 22:04:31 GMT

I am engaged to the most wonderful girl I'll ever know in my life.

It's amazing how, this time, I know it's permanent.
Not like with birds or captains.
There's absolutely NO doubt in my mind at all for the first time ever.
I'm so secure and sure about this.
My mind has even conditioned itself to never ever think in terms or consider a time when we are seperate.

We used to talk on the phone and just dream about such things.
We used to wish and wish there was a way we could work.
We used to think this was impossible.

we did it.

No matter what happens.
No matter where I go.

I will always love this girl.
I will always rather be with this girl.
I will always be with this girl.
I will forever persue the dreams that come with her.
I will not lose sight.
I will not lose focus.
I will not buckle.
I will not tire.
I will not foreget.
I will not take for granted.

Her name is the word for Happiness and God on my lips.

Every day for the past year, she has grown on me.
She continues to every day, more and more so.

Not like with birds or captians, where I would bore or forget.

I always look forward to her.
I always have.
I always will.

After kissing her.."Welcome to the rest of forever", she'd say to me.

I've never felt so comfortable and content in my life.
I have even felt myself change in so many ways.
I can't believe I got this lucky.
I can't believe my life with her.
I will spend the rest of it with her.

Sarah, I love you.

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 13:27:41 GMT

My 2006 consisted of:

Leaving the only place I ever felt comfortable in
Playing a small amount of shows
Movie Theaters
Moved to a different city
Drinking
Smoking/cigs
Uppers
Downers
Parties
Dirty Hair
Apartment complexes
Lies on top of Lies
Shows
Gained a car
Nearly died
Nearly died again
Blown engine
Mass Confusion
A Yellow House
Total Indifference
Screaming and Yelling
Laughing
Apartment D
Sleeping on floors, couches, in cars
Self loathing
Guilt
Marlboro Reds
Coffee
Waffle House
Arrested
Jail
August 5th
The Land Before Time
Tree Star
New hope
Struggle
A package in the mail
Slave Labor
Isolation
Airports
Chicago
Texas
Arizona
Starvation
Literature
Wrote
35mm Photographs
Polaroids
Good Music
Stitches
Bro Shit
Complete change
Clarity
Determination
A promise made
Truely made love
No Money
Proposal
Insomnia
Fights
Realizations
Engagement

and most importantly

Sarah Taryn my baby girl.

I lived the past year like a 1933 stock holder.
In that past year, I lived some sort of lifetime.
2007, be good to me.

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 22:10:16 GMT

Rock Bottom

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 15:27:51 GMT

baby hellsyeah: you're dead inside.

I guess I am.

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 20:49:25 GMT

I don't think I've ever felt so sad and seperate in my life before.

I'm not even close to kidding.

I don't like the way I feel.

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 13:38:48 GMT

I'm really happy you decided to come back around again girl.

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 10:54:35 GMT

Behind every strong man, is a strong woman.

Now I understand why I've been feeling weaker and weaker.

Where's my shoulder or ability to stand up straight?
Would you please come back?
Or
Shouls this ghost be given up?

You didn't used to be so cold.

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 02:44:26 GMT

So this is what I've been up to today, writing with the boys.

Guiding measures, notes, and instructing/orchestrating them with something that hopefully will turn into something.

This is what the music I make in my head..sounds like when others play it with me.

Time Lapse.

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 05:37:21 GMT

So, the statue of a girl asked "Tell me, what's keeping you alive?"

"Well, I haven't learned how to die yet."

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 17:51:25 GMT

I, seriously, have never felt so lonely.
So sick and seperate.
All I've come to know is waiting and longing.
Anticipation and patience.

I haven't felt comfortable in my skin or being underneathe anyone elses in so long.

There is always this distance or this circumstance that keeps them from me.
So I wait.
I pass the days with my eyes glued to an LCD monitor wired to a central processing unit.
I pass the nights, eyes closed, talking into cellular telephones.

Touch.

Something that I've become quite the stranger to.

I don't even know how to act when I wake up beside of someone anymore.
I don't remember to reach for their hand in the theatre.
I don't even think to walk a little slower.
I don't think to stare a little longer.
I don't think to kiss a little slower, to hold a little tighter.
I don't remember how to do this.

I'm nearly convinced I never knew how to.
Oh, but it made so much sense in my head.
Those perfect moments and what to say and how to say it.
I was always good with words? Wasn't I?

Oh, but it made so much sense in my head.
And there, it always seems to stay, never to be applied accordingly.
I'm such an asshole all the time.

How flawed have these two hands become?
How fucked up are my actions to this day?
How much more confused am I going to become?
My word holds as much meaning these days as talking in ones sleep.

Oh, but I mean well.
I try to manage.
I constantly feel the apocalypse in the pit of my stomach.
Always the feeling of something ending or about to.

As sure as all war will end, I will know what to do.

I think the point gets across.

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 04:36:23 GMT

when I say, "WHATCHU KNOW BOUT DAT?"

she replies, "i apparently DO NOT know all about that."
Fucking adorable and perfect, love that girl.

oh, in wilmington and skateboarding is back in my system.
Hooray!

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 20:02:32 GMT

As sure as the seas will drain, I will know what to do.

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 22:53:53 GMT

So here I am, the west coast.

It makes me feel small and spaced out.

The end is coming, i'm not sure for what or who, but it's coming.
I feel it.

She sleeps easy and I understand that.
Staying up late, movies from the couch, the basics.

What am I going to do when I get back?
I don't want to go back.
I don't want to stay here.

That only leavs two other standard directions.

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 22:12:54 GMT

Well, I leave for Arizona in one week from today.

I get to makes stops in Chicago and Houston, fun.
Too bad i'm going as a bubonic plague.

my mother owes me $400
Lorena owes me $120
Heather owes me $ 207
Work owes me $ 300 and three months of my life back.

I had everything figured and planned and it still won't work.
Now getting the amount for that car isn't going to be a close close one and I need it more than anything to progress.

Whatever, that girl hates me right now anyways, so I don't see her caring too much.

Look, basically, I'm tired of trying and pushing.
Two years and what do I have to show for it?

Halfway Full (New Song)

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 13:23:11 GMT

The rainy weather makes me sleep, it keeps my head down.
The sun will just not come out, stays hidden behind the clouds.
So to pass the time I read a book or draw whatever I see.
I drew the one thing I hate, it turned out looking like me.
So I balled it up inside my palms and cast it at my walls.
It's no wonder they never talk, not ever one word at all.
They just stare me down, so I stare back, determined not to blink.
I always end up giving up, retreating back to my sheets.

So hide underneathe your umbrella
you call a news paper over your head.
Stand underneathe the night club awening
to keep your hair from getting wet.
Wait for the taxi cab to claim you
and guide you safely to your bed.
Then wait for the thought of me to claim you
and find it's way inside your head.
I'm a thought you can't forget.

The waitress never lets me see the bottom of my cup.
When I drink it halfway full, she fills it back up.
I overtip and say goodbye, wave as I walk out.
I find my way to my car, I left the windows down.
To my suprise the water never found it's way inside.
Everything was warm and dry, I drove home dry that night.

It's morning, the suns starting to shine.

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 18:17:44 GMT

These are a few from a role I spent when Sarah was here for the best week of my life.

I still have more amazing ones on a seperate role and I'll scan those and throw them up as soon as I can.

I don't deserve her and I wish I did.
I don't deserve much of anyone...just all the whiskey and snow they can give me.

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 23:32:33 GMT

I hear the door close.
I hear the lock turn.
What could she be doing in there that I can't know?
I'm not sure..i'll just wait for her to come out.
Yeah, I'll fall asleep again in doing so.
I'll fall asleep as I lay in wait.
Not sure of the time when I wake.
I'll just notice some more X's on some more dates.
A little closer, counting to the day.
She'll be gone and i'll be wishing she had stayed.
I'll walk her to the plane.
I'll stand before the terminals exit gates.
I'll see her cry and say goodbye...
As I regretfully wave, sending her on her way.

I know she'll safely land.
Somewhere in the Arizona sands.
She'll forget to call me when she gets home.
I know another boys touch would be softer than
That of my cold and heavy iron hand that I use...
To patiently hold a quiet phone.

Oh would you please make it ring.
and i'll tell you every reason why I can't make you sing.
I'll admit every way that I pretended to be..
Some kind of vocal coach guiding you wrongfully..
Because after all, when I sing, I just talk.
I can't teach you to raise it high or raise it at all.
Except in an argument, or when we disagree
Oh, honey please don't think too bad of me
I'll do whatever to keep you cool and calm.
To keep from yelling, I'll sing to talk
You tell me "No baby, when you talk, you sing."

for some reason i'll want to remember this...

shoot me.